One Month

26 Apr

She was born on March 27th, 2013.

While I can hardly believe that this month has passed so quickly, it’s also felt at times as if the days and nights (especially the nights) are neverending.

In the months and weeks before becoming a parent for the first time, you hear repeatedly from all the well-meaning-been-there-done-that people that the first few weeks are going to be tough. Well fine, but I didn’t imagine that things were going to be this tough. It’s survival mode: we’ve been grabbing sleep, scraps of nutrition and hydration, quiet moments whenever we can. I’ve been struggling with feelings of isolation and entrapment because nursing and its rigid schedule around the clock has been unrelenting.

And then because of all that, I’m overcome with guilt.

It’s hard not to compare myself to other first-time mothers who write in their blogs about their shimmery lives with their brand new child. It’s hard not to wonder why I don’t feel this way and why my life isn’t so spotless and perfect and bursting with more moments of joy than one can count. My life isn’t spotless, and it’s less than pristine, and truthfully, it’s filled with bursting diapers, tense, insecure moments and lots of tears from her AND me because we’re not sure how to satisfy anyone’s needs in this house anymore.

I know that it will get easier, but will it ever get so easy that my life will be as idyllic as those mommy bloggers out there?

I don’t think so.

Please, no one get me wrong. We love our daughter, and we have come to love each other more because she is us and she is ours.

Clara is her name. And we’re lucky and blessed for her.

And while I don’t have the seemingly obligatory baby month onesie sticker to commemorate this milestone with a photo for my blog — as mentioned above, this month kinda came and went without me knowing it — here are some other silly photos of our funny face-maker which will likely mortify her in years to come.

She got some ears for Easter.

She got some ears for Easter.

photo 2

Blue Steel or Magnum.

photo 3

Her E.T. moment

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3 Responses to “One Month”

  1. elisse April 26, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your mommy moments here! I am equally amazed at how some mom’s appear to perfectly blog alongside their first few weeks of parenthood. I appreciate the authenticity in this post, and from your photos, it is obvious how much you are in love with little Clara! Happy one month of motherhood, Steph!

  2. kathy @ vodka and soda April 26, 2013 at 6:51 pm #

    let me tell you (and everyone out there) that parenthood is NOT all sunshine, rainbows and flowers otherwise there wouldn’t be a multi-billion dollar industry of parenting books and videos geared to help desperate parents. there would be no parenting forums of moms begging someone – anyone – for advice/help because their baby [insert panicky action here]

    no one is good at anything their first time around. like a new job or a new skill, it takes time to learn; many many months and maybe even years to learn and parenthood is no difference…. but unlike a job or a skill, parenthood is ever-changing because your child is ever-changing. this means that the new skill you learned last week or a few days ago will be obsolete as your child throws you a new curve ball… and the older they get, the more complex those curveballs!

    so never mind those “sunshiney parents”. i swear to god, they are lying! not every day is wonderful and filled with smiley moments cuddling their baby. especially in the first few months, it’s filled with fear, anxiety, inadequacy and most likely lots of tears as sleep deprivation builds and your strength wanes…but aside from the tough times, sleepless nights, fear and guilt, those split-second moments when your baby looks at you a certain way, snuggles up to you post-feed or grabs your finger make everything so worth it.

    it does get better, steph; i promise you. just cuddle clara as much as you can; accept help when it’s offered, never mind the state of the house because as she gets older and you get better, things will fall into place. i can’t say when but it will over time. heck, when kayla was first born, i’d be like “damn, i forgot to brush my teeth/shower… and 2 days have passed!” EWWWWWWW! (and this is no joke!)

  3. Leesh April 28, 2013 at 7:27 pm #

    It’s crazy that it’s already been a month. I like how you are keeping it real and not trying to sugar coat motherhood. I am not a mom but I do follow some mommy blogs and most of them are all sunshine and lollipops about their children. It’s like they have not had any bad experiences (and I am sure they have). I hope it gets better for you, and i know it will. You and Clara will find your groove and all will be good.

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