Thinking. Planning. Wasting.

18 Oct

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There are two things that I’m kind of beating myself up over right now.

Next week will be my free one between jobs. I’d been planning to use the upcoming week to finally paint our living room. I really wanted to accomplish something that has been sitting on that checklist in my head. I just saw that Benjamin Moore paints are on sale until the end of the month. And yet that fan deck still sits in my drawer untouched. The universe is on my side here, and yet I still haven’t brought myself to choose some paint chips.

We’re about seven weeks away from our trip to India, and aside from our plane tickets, nothing else has been booked. I have no clue about where we’re going and what we’re going to see. I’ve been overwhelmed with my lack of knowledge of our destination and the vastness of it that I haven’t been able to effectively narrow down what I need to see. What do we fit in and how do we manage to fit it all in 16 days?

I used to think of myself as a big planner, but now I’m not so sure anymore.

I want to plan because all this lack of certainty in both matters is making me completely anxious.

But I know all it involves really is me being decisive. Something that I’m not the best at being.

Or, is this all stemming from a possible compulsion in me to always be doing something so that I don’t feel like I’m just wasting time.

I mean, it is a week off from work. Can it not just be a free week from work? And our trip to India is a vacation. Is it really necessary to fill every single minute with something to do so that I can feel like our time over there is worthwhile?

How can I learn to slow down and sit still without feeling the need to constantly rush to the next destination or action?

Forgive this stream of consciousness thing that just happened.

Well clearly, I’m also lacking focus for some reason.


One Response to “Thinking. Planning. Wasting.”

  1. reni October 18, 2010 at 11:15 pm #

    i think sometimes it’s really nice not to have a plan. i mean, for sure you do need to plan or book where to stay, but having an itinerary every day can be a lot more of “work” than a vacation. in my travels, i try to have a few days free of anything, just walking around, observing, trying to be like one of “them” – there’s a lot of learning and discovering that’s actually happening as well. just my two cents. 🙂

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